Thursday, March 22, 2007

Defeat


Twice now it has happened. Why do you treat me like this? Do you really think you have anything to gain by asking me to go away when you feel angry? I can understand that if I'm the cause of your anger, then of course I'd go away; but it's not, and I'd rather talk and sympathise and empathise with you, instead of letting you stew in your own juices.

I just feel so defeated, because..I was just trying to help. Next time, I will leave you alone when you ask le. Because...Whenever you tell me to go home first, or that you want to be left alone, I get so confused. One part of me says to respect your decision, because I'm your friend, and the other part of me says to stay and talk it over with you, instead of letting you keep it in yourself, because I'm your friend again. So how do I overcome the same force?

I just don't know but yesterday..I just feel very sad that I couldn't help, and instead somehow made things worse. Over dinner, I think I understood your silence, and I was comfortable with it.

This whole week sux. Maybe it'll pick up next week after I get CnC3. Yes, -I-. I don't know about you anymore. You're still one of my cherished friends but...sometimes it just doesn't feel like it, and it pains me.

~

Now after talking to you, I understand why you were so sian last night..I'm sorry if I didn't respect your wishes, but honestly, I wish you'd never ask me to go away ever again.

And now I hate it because you're asking me to not care about you. How can I not care about you? I feel like hitting you so hard in the hopes that you wake up; I want to punch at a wall till I bleed and I feel pain so that I know that I'm actually LIVING, that I'm not DEAD YET, that I'm AWAKE and NOT SLEEPING ANYMORE LE.

WAKE UP TO THE FACT THAT I CANNOT NOT CARE ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU, YOU ARE ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS. AND TO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU IS TO LOSE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU, NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.

WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

I HATE YOU FOR TELLING ME TO GO AWAY. I HATE YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME?

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I CARE FOR YOU SO MUCH, IT BORDERS ON A WORD I'M SCARED TO USE. I DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ME TO GO AWAY EVER AGAIN, OR THAT YOU THINK I SHOULD STOP CARING ABOUT YOU.


Because I might go away for good, and it's not gonna help either of us.

friends:) Ren Lipz K.C. Team BuL7et Nanaca-Crash