on is what makes a person better] [With all your heart] [Passi

Monday, January 28, 2008

A new hope

After this week, I hope to be able to put aside my current MT3 car for a lousier one.

Yes. A lousier one.

Why after this week? Coz I need to 'bring her ratio back up to 1'.

I will do just that, and then I will go straight out in learning the lousy car. I will make sure that I have the skill level before I go to M'sia at the end of the year (if they are going, and if I can go).

Yes, I must always hope and have hope; but to hope and have no action is worst.

bounced at 9:13 AM.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Resolution

Running, slamming, blocking, racing..whatever you call it. That's what I'm gonna be doing with my GBD-F

If he's gonna be collecting cards as well, then I'll be starting that too. Not purely because of him, but also because these cards are beauties.

*sighs* DDR with Ren tonight~ Can't wait~

bounced at 1:56 PM.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Advice..

"i think all this while you truly loved him only..so if there's any guy you want as your boyfriend it should be him"

If it was just crushes that I've been living through all these while..

Then I'm really sorry, Regrets..

I wish..I wish that he would notice how much that I've given up for him...How much I've..felt for him.

Thanks C.R. for..enlightening me. It was like I couldn't even see a few steps in front of me. Now, I think my path is clear. -Him- and -him- are just..'backups', distractions - hell, CRUSHES.

But him..him I really really like.

I don't think it's love. No..not love. Some thing more like a deep, deep respect for him and his skills, and his dedication and determination.

Sometimes I wish I could..talk to him in private. But we're always surrounded by friends, or noise. And I have to wonder if he has ever wanted to talk to me in private..because..I think..if I were to put a drastic plan into action, it would have to wait till after CNY..when I get to know -him- and -him- better.

And then maybe my path would be crystal clear. But I have a feeling that it's a crush right now for the 2 -hims-. I hope..not, and yet I hope so. Because I really really feel a lot for him.

"Dear God, the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold them when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away"

bounced at 5:21 PM.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Fat, chubby..whatever~

LOL.

"But then if u say urself fat, WTH!!! I find it normal, jus a bit chubby.." - TRD's Rinoa.

I like to comfort myself with the fact that there are others out there like me, or worse than me - but that's not gonna do me any good, especially since I really want to lose weight.

I mean, hey. After 4 months of being at an office job (and eating lots with..him..*thinks about it and gets all emo*), snacking = gain weight fast. I need to get back into my 'fast paced' life of going to work at PD in the morning, going home to bath, rest, lunch; then going out to DBG to hang out with the guys.

One thing I realised that when I'm at the arcade, or at least spending more money and/or time on the arcade, I don't eat a lot, nor do I even want to travel out of the arcade to eat at whim.. (that's usage of the word 'arcade' 3 times in one sentence LOL)

So I hope to be back at the arcade soon, hungry but happy (lol..quoted from JLS) XD And yes, I hope to lose weight too =X

bounced at 11:23 AM.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Training

MT3 training, for me, will officially begin on 18th/19th Jan '08, depending on whether we're meeting up on the 18th first -.-'''

I will learn to slam, block, offensive- and defensive-push. I feel so eager to learn all these and more.

And in the process, I hope to..well, get 'lost' again. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part - but *he* does look like -him1- and -him2- combined. If he has the wit of -him3- all the better.

ARGH. Why can't I just..forget it all and concentrate on my gaming? Or maybe I should just find a guy who plays the same arcade games/genres as me, then it's so much easier!

Well..*he* does play one of the games I play currently =X

bounced at 12:20 PM.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Epilogue - Reprise

I feel it as keenly as if I have stabbed myself in the heart, twisting the blade as it went in.

It's so ironic that in order to keep from harming, hurting him anymore, and to keep myself happy (because ultimately he wants me to be happy - I know that now, I've known that since I started to love), I'd need to leave him.

It's so painful.

I will miss him a lot. And I have hurt him so much just by leaving. Would he know that I'm leaving him because I don't want to cause the both of us more heartache than I already have?

Can you imagine your girlfriend hanging out at the arcade with guys (they constitute 95% of her friends) instead of spending what free time she has with you? Of course you'd feel jealous, of course you'd feel heartbroken.

I'm sorry that I have to leave. But never forget that I'm but a call or sms away. Don't stop being my friend, because I will never forget you.

bounced at 9:59 AM.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Sleepy

Sigh. I'm pretty fired up right now over DDR and Wangan. ((For some reason I can't stop eating SMINT as well..)) but I'm still so sleepy..

Argured with Regrets again this morning. Damnit. And it's gonna rain now - how fitting.

bounced at 3:33 PM.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Avenged Sevenfold

For some reason, their songs always connect very deeply with me, more so after I've read the lyrics.

Currently listening to Dear God.

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is

to hold her when I'm not around,

when I'm much too far away

We all need that person who can be true to you

But I left her when I found her

And now I wish I'd stayed

’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired

I'm missing you again oh no

Once again

bounced at 5:45 PM.

Determined

I will be focusing on these games:

MT3 - now that I found a team and a club to play with, I don't feel so left out anymore. I can do this, and I will play well and bring my team and club no shame.

DDR - I have found people to play with me le. So no more 'i'm feeling shy'.

I will play these 2 games till the next GOOD arcade shooter comes along. Then most likely back to shooting games. But I will not forget those who were with me from the start, instead I am ever grateful..

But then this causes more problems for me -.-''''

bounced at 10:49 AM.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Death

MMt3rd passed away on 4th January 2008, 2.45pm.

Enjoy Guinea Pig Land, my baby. I will miss you most fondly, as will Ms. LG, and the entire family.

bounced at 2:46 PM.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Envy

I envy, yet don't envy couples like Ren and CK.

Cause of envy and non-envy: A period of courtship.

I realise I tend to rush into my relationships..I didn't experience much courtship before a relationship, and that makes me envious of those who have had experienced such. It means that the couple actually has time to themselves during the actual relationship, instead of spending time finding out what the other likes and dislikes.

However, one reason why I don't envy them is the simple- and straightforward -ness of the relationship when there is no or little courtship. Between Regrets and me, there isn't..much need to play coy (well, we do for the fun of it at times XD)..I do find it hard to share my problems (mainly because I'm not used to sharing problems, or having someone help me - I guess this is the 'defect' with me -- the sin of pride..even William said that).

Even so, I enjoy my time with Regrets, exchanging slapstick humour and yelling insults at each other.

bounced at 10:26 AM.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

How Time flies

I spent a day at Regrets' house. We hugged each other and slept most of the day. It felt I'd only slept for 1 hour, when I woke up to find that the sky was dark, and it was almost 8.30pm.

How time files when I'm with him.

It's 1/2 a year for us le..

And I've missed blogging, but I make up for it by doing my internship log -.-''' And reading the Web logs of the portal that we're working on right now.

I have so many plans for this new year. I hope I am strong enough to complete most, if not all. And I must have the courage to fail, and the courage to get back up. I must, I must.

And yet I must have time to sort out myself. Didi and FE are both right. I need time. But..even though I'd passed the first test of time, I have failed it by..by coming back with the same problem.

"No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please remember fondly that I love you"

What if I left him to make everyone happier? Myself, most important, no doubt..but..He has given me so much, almost all that I could ask for..

bounced at 2:34 PM.

Strength